I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-09-29 - 1.43pm previous entry next entry I just got off the phone speaking with Cameron's mum. I felt like I should phone her so I did. We were on the phone about half an hour and she talked a lot about things. I mostly listened. She is doing so well, I am so proud of her. I mean, she is numb and not able to give anything of herself to anything or anyone at the moment, but it's how well she is recognising what she's going through, and how well she's allowing herself to grieve in her own time. I am so relieved because I was so worried that she might just carry on and not allow herself time. She says she is numb and described the situation as "too weird", which is an odd relief for me because of how I've been feeling the same way. She says she's had days where she's crying and then numb, crying then numb, crying then numb, etc, which again makes me feel better about having had that myself this weekend. She says her mum is the same, and her husband is very numb too. Their little boy keeps asking when Cameron's coming home from the hospital, and they tell him he has gone with the angels because he has a special job to do somewhere else, and he's not coming back. They think he seems to take it in, but then a while later he'll ask again when Cameron's coming home. Poor little love. It must be so hard when you're three and a person who was always a part of your life just disappears from existance. How could a little mind make sense of that? Cameron's school friends were devastated when they heard. Many of them broke down in tears, and his best friend had to be taken home, she was so distraught. They are going to have a memorial sundial or bench or tree at the school, his class haven't decided which yet. And on Friday the class toasted Cameron with fizzy fruit drink. I think the funeral is going to be huge. It's going to be at an enormous church but I still think it will overflow because everyone's coming - everyone who knew Cameron. Nurses, doctors, friends, neighbours, school friends, teachers, family, friends of the family, everyone. He knew a LOT of people. This kid had a serious circle of friends for his age! Everybody loved him and everybody wants to say goodbye. His mum said it would have been easy to just say family and close friends only, but she wanted to say thank you to all the people who've touched his life by offering them the chance to say goodbye to Cameron. From everyone who has made a big impact in his life through to anyone who made him giggle or said, "Hi Cam, how are you doing?" That, and Cameron would have wanted it that way. He was always a people person, he loved chatting with people of all ages, he loved other children and he loved company. He loved to laugh and he loved having fun. So everybody's going. Cameron had some favourite hymns which I didn't know about, but his mum said he came home from school and sang them to her and he was really enthusiastic about them, so she has contacted the school to find out what they are and we're singing them at his funeral. There's going to be someone at the funeral who can take the little kids for a walk if they get bored, because that's what Cameron would have been all about too - wanting everyone to be happy. She said Cameron will be waiting at the church and then the funeral procession after the service will pass by their house on the way to the cemetery. There will be a memorial thing at the cemetery and then close friends and family will go back to their house. She invited me. I feel so so so privileged to be counted close to Cameron, and close to the family. Although being in the house without him there will be painful and weird. I will want him to come bouncing down the stairs or rush out in the garden to jump on the trampoline like the last time I was there. Or sit cracking up at something on the TV in the living room. Or see his face at the window as I arrive, and watch him standing at the front door to wave me off as I leave. Urgh. Cam's mum (I keep saying "his mum" because I don't want to use her name here for some reason) said that he is on his way from the chapel at the hospital where he died, to our local chapel of rest. She said the funeral probably won't be till next week, because when a child dies so soon after an operation it's standard procedure to investigate, and his dad had to go and pick up the death certificate in London and there's lots of bits and pieces that have to be done before the funeral can take place. But he's on his way now, either as I type this, or later today, or else maybe he's just got there already. His mum took his favourite clothes to the local chapel at the weekend, and they are going to dress him and then people can go and pay their respects until the funeral. I had no idea of such a thing - I am so naive about customs and traditions around deaths and funerals. I don't have much experience. She said if I wanted to see him I could arrange to visit the chapel any time. I said I might do that. But now I don't know. I never saw someone I loved when they were dead. I have seen people who are dead on my nursing training, and even laid people out, but I don't know how I'd cope with seeing Cameron in the flesh without any life in him. It would certainly bring it all painfully real, and could I cope with that? I don't know. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to wish later that I'd been to see him before he was buried. But I don't know what he'll look like. I'm afraid that he'll look so different and that the image will stay with me forever, and even take the place of my "alive" memories of Cam. But I never got to see him before he died to say goodbye, so I don't know.... I would like to. I just don't know if I can. Cam's mum says she doesn't think she can. I don't know what to do. She said he wasn't in any pain when he died, as far as she knew. She said the last few days were so hard because she could tell his mind was still fighting to live but his body was just giving out. She said that was hard to bear watching. When she told him goodbye from everyone and that his granddad would look after him, she said she thinks he was still able to hear and understand all that she was saying to him. Cam's mum said that we should always keep in touch, even now that Cameron has died. I told her we will always have him in common. I offered any help I could give, and said that I'm right here and she only has to give me a shout. I feel so helpless and I wish there was more I could do to make things better. She was really grateful that I called, so I'm glad I did. Things feel much more matter-of-fact in a way that I feel more able to handle today. I was very shaky around the phone call, but other than that I am eating better and feel more motivated to just do things. I have started painting our new front door with woodstain today, and I think I will go out and buy some food later. Apart from church I have not been out since Cameron died, so I think it is a good idea to go out. Cam's mum said she has been out once or twice, just for a bit, and she did a little gardening yesterday. She said if you don't go out then you stop wanting to, so you just have to. Besides, today is just the most beautiful autumn day. The sky is blue and the sun is shining so brightly, and the leaves are still thick on the trees, turning pretty colours that look even lovelier in the sunshine. Today the day doesn't feel like it's "missing" Cameron to me, like it did a few days ago. Because he hasn't gone missing, he only shed his body and carried on living somewhere else. In a way that I can't put my finger on enough to explain, it still feels like Cam is "around" - that's the nearest I can describe it as. It feels like he'll never really be gone, even though he is, there's something comforting getting settled in my heart that makes me feel stronger and much more assured that he isn't ever gone. Well, for today I am going to take a bath and watch Neighbours and Doctors (because I always do!), and then I'm gonna do another coat on the door, and maybe go out and get some food in. I'm gonna have some lunch - not sure what yet - and a slice of that chocolate cake (mmm!) and then see my husband when he gets home from work. He has his interview for the MSc course today. I think he is in for sure, but there's always a chance they'll turn him away I suppose. If he gets in, Neil wants to go straight out and buy a PC!! He needs one for some software or something to do with his course, and since we currently use a Mac we'll need to change. This is okay because God has provided us with the money, both for the course and a PC. God is so faithful and good to us. Of course you do realise that if we have a PC I can buy the Sims games that I have only been able to hear about for all these years, hehe! I got the Sims for gamecube at Christmas but I can't wait to play some of the other games. So you might never hear from me again if that happens! ;) All the baby plans will go out the window as I put in 15 hour days on the Sims, hehehe! Well of course I will be more sensible than that, and Neil will need to use the computer much more as well, so I won't be playing it that much, but I am still looking forward to it. Okay I'm going now. Will write again soon. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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