Great Christian Diaries

2003-12-21 - 3.44pm  previous entry  next entry

Thank you so much to EVERYONE for the wonderful guestbook messages about Percy! I am really uplifted by all your comments and kind words and understanding.

I am doing okay. Better actually, which is good. Mummy says it's hard to come to terms with a member of the family dying when you don't live with them or near enough to visit afterwards. She was the same when her own mother died in March, because it couldn't really sink in until we went up for the funeral and she wasn't there anymore. So I know it will be hard when we visit next week and Percy isn't there anymore, it will really bring it home to me. Which I'm not looking forward to, but hey ho, that's what will have to happen.

My parents are doing better. They cry a lot but they are starting to smile and remember things about Percy that make them laugh. Paddy is doing okay. He is asking for cuddles a lot more and also is asking for food, which was always Percy's thing. Paddy never had to ask for food since Percy was always doing it enough for 10 cats! So food was always around when Paddy turned up for some. Paddy is going on a diet :( He was always a hefty-but-healthy weight (!!) but he's been finishing all of Percy's tasty morsels that he'd been offered when he was ill, and he's huger than ever now apparantly! He is being restricted to Iams only, and only the right amount for his body weight, rather than on demand. Poor Pads.

The day after Percy died, Paddy spent a lot of time sniffing around. He went outside in the garden to all of the places that Percy loved to go. All of them. He spent ages sniffing each place. Then he went to the rosebed where Percy is buried and did a nice big pee on top of him! Hehe. But it's probably just because the earth was freshly turned after burying Percy the day before. He sniffed all of Percy's favourite places indoors after that, and finally curled up and went to sleep on the spot where Percy had been sleeping on a towel on the floor while he'd been ill. Mummy sat with Percy on the towel for hours and hours over the last few weeks, reading while he slept. So I'm sure Paddy is missing his brother. He seems to be needing a lot more attention and cuddles. The next day he did all the same sniffing around in the same places, but the following day there had been rain and he didn't seem to be able to find Percy's scent anymore. He kept asking Mummy with his eyes, to go outside with him and show him something she couldn't figure out what. He seemed a lot more frustrated that day and kept lashing his tail, especially when he was at Percy's favourite places, whereas normally he's not a swishy-tail type of cat. His tail is always high with the tip curling from one side to the other as he walks. That's a Paddy-ism. Percy didn't have the curly thing.

Ah I love my cats.

But it's been a little easier for me the last day or so, which is good for now. Cameron has been on my mind such a lot, which is maybe why I've felt more distracted from Percy. I keep dreaming of Cameron, every night. He's always alive but I always know I'm dreaming and he's dead really, if that makes any sense. One dream I had, he was coming across a grassy lawn to see me, and he was younger than he was when he died, I would say about 7. Anyway, the look on his face was sheer delight to be seeing me, and yet he wasn't running to get to me. It was more shy delight. And I was filled with this wonderful feeling that I can't describe at seeing him again. I went down on my knees on the grass to be more at his height, and when he reached me I just enveloped him in my arms and we held each other so tight. The most vivid part of the dream was how GOOD it felt to have my arms tangibly filled with Cameron's little body. I could squeeze and my arms would close on something live and solid, which squeezed back and moved and was full of life and warmth. He felt WONDERFUL to the touch. I kept drawing back from him to see his face, which was always smiling and his eyes sparkled and smiled with his mouth. And then I'd pull him close again. It was the most lovely dream.

On Thursday I went to the cemetery, in the last 5 minutes before it closed, just because I felt the urge to go. I wanted to tell Cam that Percy had died. He liked Paddy and Percy, but they always ran away from him when he was little. He loved cats. He had two of his own, brothers like mine, but black.

He has new things at his grave! His mum has been, and put a silver windmill there, like she said she would for Christmas. She also put some really pretty fake flowers next to his cross marker, which is lovely because they look so nice and they won't die. He has fresh flowers in his glass vase too. I miss him.

I decided not to go to France early. I was almost ready to book the flights for yesterday, but the prices shot up in a 24 hour period, so I took that as confirmation that I should go with Neil to visit his family for Christmas, and go to my parents' when we planned to, for New Year. I may stay longer with them after Neil comes back for work though, I'm not sure. I can wait till we're back from Neil's family to decide though. In any case, I feel loads better about having time with my mummy, because we decided to make some time to visit them in the next couple of months, aside from New Year. So guess what?!! We are going to see my parents for my birthday!!!! Yaaaaaaay!! That is going to be my BEST birthday present ever. I can't wait. I booked the flights and everything. We are going on Thursday 19th Feb (my birthday in on th Saturday) and staying till the following Friday, so that's a lovely long time to just be with my mummy and enjoy a break with them. Neil is looking forward to it too. I am going to love my birthday this year!

The flights were 49p each, one way, and 49p each on the return journey! Wow. But obviously there were taxes and airport thingies and that, but even so, it is costing the two of us £59 all-inclusive for a round trip to France. Pretty good, I'd say! :) Happy birthday me!

But less happy news - Neil's mum phoned to say if I wanted to have a more settled and happy Christmas after all the loss I've had so far this year, maybe I should go to France instead of going with Neil to visit them, because Neil's dad has taken a turn for the worse and they are not even sure he will live till Christmas day :( He stopped allowing them to put feeds in his feed tube (direct to his stomach, since he lost the ability to swallow a year or so ago due to strokes). After a while and various hospital visits they discovered he has a stomach ulcer which is bleeding. He is on medication to prevent further strokes, but that is causing his stomach ulcer, and continuing with this medication could be fatal with his stomach ulcer. So they took him off the meds and he promptly had another stroke last week, and has permanently lost the vision in one eye. This is awful because his only method of communicating is now with his eyes, and if he can't see people it makes that impossible. I can't imagine how awful it must be for him. So they've put him back on the meds but obviously that is bad for the ulcer. And he hasn't been on any meds for his leukaemia for 2 years, which is sooooo bad. But maybe the drugs were all incompatible or something? Either that or he's had pathetic medical care.

So we have been talking a lot about what to do and so on, so I guess that has been a huge distraction from Percy and even from Cameron a lot of the time. My head is reeling from how much loss there is in our family at the moment, just bam bam bam, one after the other, closer and closer together. You hardly have time to recover from the last wham before another hits. I don't understand it and I can barely stand anymore, but I trust God.

Neil thinks I should go to France, because his dad is likely to die while we are staying with them over Christmas, and Neil thinks that will be too much for me with all I've been through so far this year, especially the last few months. But I feel like I WANT to be there with Neil. He will need my support. He says he can get support from his family as he supports them too, and I shouldn't worry. But I can't help but feel it's not right to seperate when something so huge is happening. We're husband and wife. That makes us a team, a single unit. Even when life is peachy that's how it should be, but infinitely more so when life gets hard. We should always be there for each other. I want to be there for Neil. He WILL need me, if his dad dies. He will probably need me even if he doesn't, because he's going to be gravely ill no matter what happens.

He is worried that his needs will put too much strain on me I think, because I haven't got much left to give, being kind of stripped of everything myself lately.

But I decided to go with Neil as planned. His mum says it won't be a very happy Christmas. But I want to show my support. I am nervous for some reason. I am scared that my father-in-law will die while we're there. I'm scared of how Neil will react, and that I won't be adequate to his needs or anybody else's needs while I'm there. I am scared of feeling trapped with no way out, or left alone while the family mourn and cling to each other, because I'm the only one who isn't "family" family, if you know what I mean. In a situation like that I get scared that I'll go unnoticed. Which is horribly selfish because I'm the very LEAST on the priority list in that kind of situation, and everyone else is far more important. But I do feel scared that it will feel too much for me to cope with, especially after the other deaths this year and how I still have not come to terms with them, and I will have nobody to support me, because the only people I will know are Neil and his family, and they will all need support and be less able to give any out. I feel like I'll want to run away and not go back, but I know I'll be trapped there in the house because it's an unfamiliar place, I don't know anyone or any places to go - as well as not having the means to leave the house - and home will be a day's drive away.

And mostly I feel really selfish for having all those thoughts.

But I need to be with Neil. I want to be with Neil. I want to be there for him, and I now can't bear the idea of being apart from him, even for a few days. I think that is a good thing though. We should be doing this together. Plus I know that somehow God will provide the strength I need, no matter how weak I feel, because he is my source and my provider.

Yesterday I went to Judith's because I need some more of that hormone supplement stuff. I told her about Neil's dad when I phoned her before I went over. Suddenly we realised that these glyconutrient supplements might give him a last chance, since they are doing absolutely amazing things in hundreds of different illnesses and conditions. I mean totally amazing. Like full recovery from widespread aggressive cancer in the last few days of expected life. Seriously. These people are back to work in full health five months later. And major impact on AIDS and HIV. No kidding. I had noooo idea till I read up on it a bit more. Judith is taking it for her M.E. and noting significant improvements already. M.E. is one illness that already has zillions of testimonies of complete recovery with this supplement from having been bedbound for like 10 years or something. If you're interested or curious then do go and read this site for more testimonials of recovery from about 150 different illness, including Parkinson's and amazing things like that. There is a better site for testimonials but the link Judith gave me isn't working, so maybe I wrote it down wrong? Tsk. I'll put it here when I find out what it is.

The truly amazing thing is that it doesn't look like it's a fad. Clinical trials are taking place all OVER the spectrum, and so far only incredible results have emerged. This glyconutrient stuff is basically eight essential sugars that are missing completely from the modern day diet. They are mostly found in the aloe vera plant, but there are a few other sources I think as well. Nothing we'd eat today though. So far, when introducing these sugars for a few weeks or months, they are seeing the body produce stem cells (new ones actually visible in the blood stream!) to rebuild damaged nerves, secrete a substance naturally made as a result of one of these sugars being ingested, which causes cancerous tumours to necrose, turn black, and break down (!!), fight off the AIDS and HIV viruses, and further incredible stuff. There's more science and clinical trial stuff at glycoscience.com.

It can't be approved until extensive clinical trials have taken place but they are expecting it to be a routine treatment for hundreds of different ailments in about 10 yeras time. One of the eight sugars is an absolute miracle cure for arthritis, so long as you have some cartilage left, because it causes the cartilage to regrow and inflammation to disappear. Judith's mum has arthritis in her knees and has had no pain whatsoever since about a week after taking this stuff. Better still, it's about to become a prescription treatment for arthritis (the individual sugar responsible, that is, not all eight of them found in the glyconutrients). Neil's mum has terrible arthritis in her knees, and has had surgery on them already. She needs more in 2004. So Neil went to buy this specific sugar from the health food shop, and when he was there, another lady was asking the shop assistant for it because she said her doctor told her to. So it's legitimate, really. It doesn't appear to be a fad. Of course one of my favourite things about it is that it's a bunch of Christians that discovered it! ;) God is so good.

Anyway so we thought it would be worth a try to get the powder form of this supplement and mix it into Neil's dad's feeds, to see if it will help him. There's numerous success stories with strokes, leukaemia and ulcers, but it's a case of whether we get it to him in time, and if it will be safe to take with all the meds he's on (even though it's not a drug, you never know), and whether the family will agree (they seemed skeptical on the phone) and also whether the doctor will agree. If he's on anti-coagulants (for preventing strokes) then I'm not sure if it will be safe, since one of the sugars causes the blood to thin a little (in a normally healthy way which is actually a healthy improvement, but that is not good if you are on blood-thinning drugs as it is and you have a bleeding stomach ulcer). But we are waiting on a doctor's opinion about that.

So I went to Judith's and her parents drove an hour and a half with a pot of this precious powder to give it to me in time for us to leave tomorrow, which is so lovely of them. Judith had a spare bottle of the hormone-balancing ones too, which I'm running out of, so I picked those up as well. The thing is, when I got it home, I realised that all this time I have been taking the main glyconutrient supplement, not the hormone one!!! She must have ordered me the wrong one by mistake at the beginning! Ah well, I had wanted to start on those anyway, in the hope that it will sort out my IBS if I persevere with them for a month or two. So far I've been on them 2 weeks and my IBS is rubbish, so we'll see. But weirdly enough, my hormones seem way more settled this cycle. WAY more. So I'm pretty optimistic about things now that I'm actually taking the REAL hormone one!! Heh. I started that last night. Neil is going to start on the general one too, because he has IBS and I'm sure he has arthritis starting in his knees - they have been bothering him with pain for years now, and he's had to give up several sports that he loves, and they are always much worse in the winter. So give us a few months and I'll tell you if these things work for us, okay?!

When I went round to Judith's she said she would pray for me and we'd have a chat, because she asked me on the phone how I'd been doing, and I said not so great.

So we had a chat. A 3-hour-long chat. I think I have never been so open or vulnerable with Judith, and she seemed really sensitive to things I was saying, not like I'd expected, which was so nice. She was exactly the right person to talk to about it all, now that I think about it.

I talked about Cameron, and about how I hated it when people reminded me that he's not mine and I have to let go of that. I know they don't mean that I have to let go of HIM, more that I need to let go of gripping on so tightly and saying, "He's MINE!" when I know he isn't. But I don't want to, so that's been hard to hear. Judith listened and then after a pause, she asked if I remembered that time when I took Emily to housegroup recently, and they were praying for me about Cameron. I said yes. She told me that Sandy had had a strong sense of something which she didn't want to share with me at the time, and she and Judith had talked and prayed about it after we left. She said that Sandy had felt the word "soul-ties" in her mind and had a strong feeling that I needed to break a sort of "tie" to Cameron that wasn't as God had intended or something.

When she said this I thought, "Here we go... this sounds a bit far-fetched!" Plus I didn't want to hear any of it. I just kept firing questions at Judith, thinking any minute now she wouldn't have an answer and then we'd just forget it and I'd carry on feeling like I want to feel about Cameron. Sort of like I used to before I became a Christian, if I ever talked to Christians about God.

I asked her what she meant by "soul tie". She said she guessed it was anything where your relationship with someone becomes a priority over your relationship with God, or more of a pull, or worship factor. That would definitely describe my feelings for Cameron a lot of the time. I said okay then, how do things get to that state? Well she said she didn't really know, but she thought it could be (for example) when someone is vulnerable or insecure, and puts all their eggs in the one basket (or person, obviously!) as a result. When she said that, I knew it was true of me and Cameron, because that's exactly what happened, but Judith couldn't have known that. I have always described Cameron as having saved my life, because he was all I lived for when I was suffering from depression. Well that IS a lovely thing, but it is not in line with what God wants for me. God is above all people and all things, created or otherwise. My highest praise and worship belongs to him, not to Cameron, not to Neil, not to my mummy, not to anyone else that I love that much. I don't think God means that I should love people any LESS, but that God should really be the priority in terms of devotion and worship.

I did have a time when I realised I loved God more than Cameron, which was a weird and wonderful moment (waaay back in 1996 I think), but recently I have been clinging fiercely to Cameron and refusing to let him go because I want that connection that means he's mine. I want to do my feelings for him justice. I feel a powerful connection to him that won't let me move on. It's exactly that connection (and it's power) that Judith was talking to me about breaking. We talked (well, I argued!) it through for about an hour, and I was skeptical throughout really. I kept asking questions and giving reasons why it was a silly idea, and she didn't argue or pressurise me at all, just kept answering my questions or saying what she thought about it if she didn't know. And in the end I realised I'd run out of reasons, and I was just saying, "Well I don't want to!" and that was all I had left to say. She said of course I wouldn't want to, if it was something with any power over me that would prevent me from moving on. I had told Judith when we started our chat that I felt in a total rut in my life in general and also with God. She wondered if this might be holding me back. She even wondered if hanging onto a wrong relationship with Cameron might be spiritually preventing me from having my own children. Okay that's really deep, and many of you aren't even Christians, so I'm just throwing that one out there, don't worry! But it did make me think.

When I got to the stage where I accepted that this whole idea might actually be valid, but I was saying, "Well I'd rather be hanging onto a wrong thing and being stuck in my walk with God than to move on", I knew I was talking out of my backside and it was time to pray it through and put things right. Judith said I needed to pray that God would break any wrong ties that I have with Cameron. She said no-one else could do it for me. I didn't want to. So she said maybe I could pray that God would help me WANT to pray about it!! Heh. I said maybe I could do that. Then I went to the loo, and when I got back I had changed my mind again, but Judith said she would pray and we would just rest in God's presence and be quiet, and if I wanted to pray anything at all I could do so.

So she prayed this lovely prayer, and then we sat, eyes closed, just letting God be close to us. I didn't speak for 30 minutes I think. But things were happening in my head. I had this image in my mind's eye, of me and Cameron in a room, just four walls, floor and ceiling. Nothing in it, just me and Cam. We were happy in each other's company, and we were playing or something, and then part of the wall fell away and Jesus was standing on the other side of it asking me to step through. I kept looking back to Cameron and he looked like he was going to start crying and panicking that I was leaving him, so I didn't step through. I hovered in the middle, for about 10 minutes of the time we were sat there praying! Jesus was no less patient with me though, he just kept on saying to come through because he had something to show me. I got as far as the wall, but couldn't stop looking back at Cam and feeling broken by how I was walking away from him, leaving him alone in that room. I hovered in the doorway gap for an age, but then when I finally stepped one foot through, I saw Cameron standing next to Jesus, which was a total surprise! But if I looked back then I still saw him in the room behind me. I hesitated for ages because I didn't know which was the real Cameron - is this sounding really crazy?! No, don't answer that! Anyway in the end I stepped through, and the room disappeared with Cameron in it. But the Cameron next to Jesus stayed, and he looked happy.

That's when I knew it was time to pray. So I asked God to break any wrong ties that I'd made with Cameron, anything that was holding me back or wrong in God's sight. Immediately that I spoke those words I felt different, not towards Cam in any way, but freer somehow, to love him. In my mind I suddenly had a flood of memories where people had asked me if he was mine, and I'd said yes, or they'd presumed he was mine and I hadn't corrected them. The memories were like I was there again. In each of them, when they asked me if Cam was mine, I replied, "No he's not, but I wish he was!" and that felt soooo right. Then I saw me handing Cameron into Sharon's arms when he looked about 3 years old, probably the age that I felt most attached to him, giving him back to Sharon. And I made myself say, "I love SHARON'S boy. I love SHARON'S boy." over and over again, not like I always used to say, "I love my boy." like he was mine. That was the hardest part. Saying I loved somebody else's child was like piercing my own heart, and it made me cry. But I just kept saying it over and over and over until it stopped being painful and after a while it felt good to say.

Then I felt so great, I can't describe how! But I felt so much closer to God, and soooooo "right" in myself somehow - a feeling I have missed for a long time. I felt like when you start doing housework and you get on a roll and just want to do loads of it without stopping! It was so much fun to do that spiritual spring cleaning, that I kept going. I prayed aloud that God would break my fear cycle, my need for attention, my pattern of wrong attachments in relationships, just loads of things one after the other as God brought them to mind. Judith said that she felt the word "rebellion" in her mind, and I knew that was an issue for me so I prayed that through as well. Afterwards I felt so clean, like the ground was not clogged with weeds anymore and I could finally stretch my shoots up through the soil.

I wrote a ton of things down so I don't forget the things that God did that afternoon, and how I should be continuing clean and not allowing fear and stuff to clog me up again. I feel wonderful about Cameron. I miss him and my grief feels no less at all, but I feel like I love him and he's NOT mine at all. And it feels right and fine and good. But knowing that and accepting that doesn't change anything about my love for him. I always thought it would, but it hasn't. But I know I couldn't have made that acceptance without asking God to break what was in the way.

So that was yesterday. I am trying to take authority over fear every time I feel it now, since fear has really been creeping back into my life in a huge way recently. I do not have to take any fear, because God did not give me a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and self-control (). I also know that I have the authority in Christ to take a stand against fear, and it's up to me to do so. It's obviously not going to be easy because as much as God is real, so is satan, and he is not about to just watch me get marvellously close to God and move on in my life and - in particular - get over the strongholds he's always had control of till now. The Bible says we are in a spiritual battle, and to resist the devil. It also says we have the victory already because Jesus won it for us at the cross - and because Jesus is in me, and he is greater than the devil, so am I. So I don't have to take this from satan. And I won't. No matter what else is thrown at me. So boo sucks! :)

So despite everything I am feeling much better about stuff, which is wonderful. And soooooo great to feel closer to God. Not every moment or anything, but it was lovely to know his presence so close to me yesterday, and really feel lifted by him. I need to pray with people more, because I want that feeling back. I need to cultivate times on my own where I pray and spend time in God's presence, because I know that makes the difference between feeling far from God and... not! A lot of the time anyway.

Well this entry is waaay too long, and I have to get packed and do some more laundry for travelling up to Neil's family tomorrow in North Yorkshire. The sun is setting at the moment and there are some fluffy clouds that are all pink and peachy and beautiful, but I think there is wind and snow forecast, so I hope we have an okay journey. It will take us most of the day anyway. We'll be back (unless extreme circumstances prevail) on Friday evening, possibly late, and we don't leave for France until Monday so I should have time to make an update over the weekend.

I only just realised that we haven't got a single Christmas decoration up this year, no tree (it's in the loft with all the decorations), nothing. I have our Christmas cards on a little low table in the corner. I just haven't felt like decorating this year, partly because of how I've felt and how things have been, and partly because we are just going to be away for the whole holiday season, so there seemed little point in putting any up. It would only mean that when we return from our whirlwind of family visits (probably needing a real holiday and a lot of rest!) we would have the annoying task of taking the tree down and packing the decorations away. Which is far and away the worst chore over the Christmas period! So this year we avoid it. I feel a bit sad that we don't have a tree up or anything this year, but it makes sense I guess, and I didn't feel like it before now.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas!!! Hopefully I'll write again before New Year. I will be able to update in France though, since my parents have a computer and the internet. Neil's parents do too, but it couldn't be more exposed and in the middle of everyone's coming and going, so I wouldn't want to write stuff there while the in-laws look on! ;) But I'll be back. And hopefully pregnant by then. But maybe not, of course.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19