I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-09-24 - 12.50pm previous entry next entry Scared. And I needed to write about it so here I am. You guys know my-little-boy-who-isn't-my-little-boy, Cameron? If you are new to my world then you can read about him here. But to sum it up I was his respite carer at hospital from when he was 21 months to about four years old. He needed a liver and bowel transplant. He had just a bowel transplant when he was four and has been able to eat since, although he still has a tube feed as well. He developed diabetes from the anti-rejections meds, and a couple of years ago they reversed his ileostomy which made him have delayed rejection of his transplant. Anyway he is doing much better now. He's 11. I can't believe he's 11. I was beyond despair in my own mind when I started working with him, just too depressed to get on with my own life, and I completely and utterly fell in love with this little boy. I was his one-to-one carer every other weekend, every hour of the day I could be with him. I love him so much. He became mine, in my mind. I mean, sure I knew he wasn't mine, but I loved him that much. Anyway, most of you will know that because I've written about him before over the years here. His mum and I arranged that we'd meet up in the school holidays during the summer, and have a picnic, but it had to be cancelled because Cam hadn't been too well. He had needed a blood transfusion during the week, and the day of the picnic, his foot swelled up and his mum was taking him to the hospital to get it checked out. They never bother with the GP because they always get sent to the hospital anyway with his history. I wrote about this last month didn't I? Anyway, she said she'd call me later in the week and rearrange. She didn't call. I am so worried about him. His foot and needing the blood transfusion. Why should he need that now? He used to need them all the time, but why now? I feel scared not knowing what's going on like I used to when I was in on his situation all the time. Lately I've been thinking about him and thinking I should give them a call to see how things are going. But his mum is expecting a baby next month and I was kind of worried that something would be wrong with Cameron, something horrible that I don't want to think about. So I didn't. Today I didn't hear the phone ring so the answer machine kicked in, and there's a message from Cam's mum asking me to call her as soon as possible please. She NEVER calls me. Never. She sounded odd. I don't want to call back, I don't want anything to change ever. If she has bad news I want to freeze this moment where I am ignorant of what's going on, even though it's not comfortable it's got to be better than dealing with something I can't bear. I did try to call her but the line was engaged. Maybe I'm just being paranoid? Maybe she had her baby early and it's happy news? Maybe Cam has some event he wants me to go to soon? Maybe she wants to ask me something that I might know? It's probably that. Urgh. I see him so infrequently now, and sometimes I think maybe all that love and all those heart-wrenching feelings have faded because it's all in the past. But my hands won't stop shaking and that doesn't happen to me, even when I am nervous about something. And I can't bear if there's bad news. I feel like I don't care about anything in my own life anymore, or if I never have a baby of my own, if only Cam will be okay. Sometimes it was scary when I was looking after him at the hospital, because he'd get an infection in his line or else have a major bleed and need transfusions, and then there was the whole thing about the doctors not expecting him to live past two. Every time the hospital phoned me I was scared, incase something had happened to Cameron when he was my absolute world. But he always pulled through, even open heart surgery and the transplant. I'm glad I didn't know he had his transplant until after it was done - it was so sudden they all rushed him off to get it done, and only thought to call family and me afterwards. I'm grateful for that because I would have not coped too well with waiting and hoping I think. I am going to try and call his mum again now, see if the line is free. I just had to write here when I couldn't get through, because I couldn't do anything else. I hope I am feeling silly when I next update because I will have been panicking over nothing! Sue is coming round this afternoon to chat and pray so that will be very very helpful if things aren't good. That's all really. But I will update again soon. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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