I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2003-10-25 - 8.38pm previous entry next entry Thank you Valerie, Alison and Katie for your guestbook entries. I am not feeling very happy today. I haven't got much to write about, don't worry. My entries have been so long lately. Please could everyone leave me alone about the sexuality issue? I mean no offense in the slighest, but emails/messages about whether I've thought it through, whether I know I'm wrong about God on that subject, etc, are really unhelpful to me at the moment. I'm sure the people who have contacted me about it are cross/offended with me and that's why they are asking me these things, but I don't care. It ranks as pfththth on the scale of what I care about at the moment, but don't let that make you feel bad, because everything else in my life is down there too at the moment. One or two have actually said how wrong I am and how piddled off they are with me as gay Christians, etc, all the while interestingly using swear words all over the place. Nice Christians. Sorry. Well actually NO I'm not. I HATE debates as most of you will know by now, and I am NOT the sort of person who likes to encourage them from what I share of my private life. Okay so sharing my private life with the internet is sure to rub a few people the wrong way because you can't have any single belief that someone else isn't going to be outraged by, no matter what it is. But for goodness' sake, isn't it vaguely obvious that I just lost someone I love - they DIED, you know, as in they cease to exist on this planet any longer, and that is a pretty big deal don't you think? And on top of the big deal of their non-existance, it just so happens that they meant more to me than most other things or people in life. So yeah, I would have thought you might have noticed if you read this diary, that I feel like someone ripped my limbs off and started hitting me in the stomach with them while the wounds flapped around getting infected. Okay? Have you ever had a loss like this or even had one of those bad dreams where you imagine it and then wake up screaming and crying? Well then. Do you think I care about debating sexuality and theology at the moment? I'm sure it's a biggie in the lives of the people who have contacted me, but I couldn't give a rat's whatsit about that right now. I believe what I believe, and I'm not even thinking about what that is at the moment anyway because my head is too full of other stuff. I have a ton of reasons why I believe what I believe, and I didn't come to that decision lightly or ignorantly thank you. But I don't care to be pressurised into talking about them right now because as I just mentioned, a child I loved with all my heart has died and that is all I can think about. I wish I could say I'm sorry if I offended anyone. But I don't care. I. DON'T. CARE. I do care, because believe it or not, I am a nice person, but I am too angry all over my whole being to start being all nice and apologetic. If you are thinking about being all cross with me again about blah blah blah my attitude towards gay Christians (which by the way doesn't even exist), please have a little consideration and leave me alone. What does it really matter what I think anyway? If by any chance you are now feeling like saying something nice to reassure me you weren't meaning any harm about gay/Christian issues when I am having a hard time with other stuff, please don't do that either. Just go away and leave me alone and don't send me any more messages about anything, unless you plan to help me by praying for me and supporting me about Cameron. That is all the contact I can deal with at the moment. Urgh. Sorry to everyone else who does not fall into the above category of people. I am not being the nicest Christian myself because normally I would not write like that and I would be much more sensitive to other people's feelings, but I can't manage any more at the moment. Yeah, nasty horrid Alice. Shockingly unpleasant Alice. So think badly of me, never read my diary again, put me on your internet black-list, I don't care. I don't care what you think of me. I am not having a good day today. I feel so angry and tight with emotion that won't come out. It flips on and off like a lightswitch so when it's on I feel like..... I can't think of words for it. And when it's off I am empty and hollow and numb and nothing fills the gaping hole, absolutely nothing. Neil and I have decided to stop trying for a baby for a couple of months. It's the best thing to do for now. Read about that in my pre-pregnancy diary if you want (link at the top). I have nothing else to say, how odd! I haven't done much today. I slept till almost noon. Our neighbours had a big throw-things-around fight at 1am - how considerate of them - and I never sleep through those but I dropped off right in the middle of it which is amazing! I think I needed to catch up on sleep, and crying a lot always seems to act like a sedative for me, so maybe that was partly why as well. I have been online on and off today, just doing nothing really. And I played the Sims for a little while. And watched Home and Away for 2 hours. I took a bath for ever. Nothing is making me feel any different, whether it's a distraction, a comforting thing, whatever it is, it doesn't cut through how I feel anymore. Not today anyway. Neil just came upstairs and put a plate of dinner in front of me - he is being so sweet. I have mashed potatoes, broccoli, carrots and chicken nuggets. And tomato sauce :) My tummy is kind of closed at the moment so I'm going to stop writing here as I feel kind of wound up around my diary today. I think I will try a bland game or I don't know what else.... what is there to blot out with online that is all nice and cosy? Neil is watching Alias and other things that I don't like to watch. Maybe I will listen to a story tape. I just need my tummy to relax a little because I haven't eaten well today and this dinner looks yummy. I'll be back soon though. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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