Great Christian Diaries

2003-10-14 - 7.55pm  previous entry  next entry

Thanks Meg and Alison for encouraging me so much with your guestbook entries :) And thanks also to Kat for your guestbook entry. I already saw some screenshots for The Sims 2 and I'm trying (very hard!) to pretend I didn't, otherwise I will just.... well, I don't know! It would get unhealthy, that's all I know! I am trying to convince myself that I am perfectly fine with the Sims games I have already. But I really really like the look of The Sims 2. It's not good, all this temptation!

Anyway hello. I have not been online much today or yesterday because the guy did turn up to fix our electrics and stuff (hooray!) and he ended up having to work 9.30-6.30 yesterday and then 9-3.30 today, mostly in the room with the computer. But he's finished now, and we have a non-leaky loo at last, and at LONG last we also have a safely functioning shower!!! Yay!! I am so pleased about that. We also have a big hole in the bedroom wall that's filled with semi-soft plaster at the moment, and I have to paint that over tomorrow. I hope there's enough of the original paint left. I think there is. The whole of this room is covered in grey powder, absolutely everything is, from when he made the big hole in the wall. And the carpet is filthy and covered with bits of wall and bits of soft plaster, but I said he didn't have to worry about cleaning up in here because we are already halfway through packing this room up and moving everything out so we can lay the new carpet in here. So there seemed little point in cleaning and hoovering, especially since our hoover is really not well. It screams at us when we switch it on, and if you make it keep screaming then it makes a rather worrying smell as well. Hmmm. So maybe we need a new hoover? I don't know. We only had this one three years. I remember (in the old days!) when a hoover used to last 20 years. So three years is rubbish, but maybe that's what it's come to these days. Pah.

Okay but I can't just jump in the shower all gleefully, because we don't have a shower screen yet. We have to go and buy one and fix it to the wall, and THEN we can use the shower at laaaast!!! I can't wait. We have been living in this house for two years this week, and there are so many jobs still unfinished, it's starting to annoy me! I want to live in it without always needing to finish this job or that one, and I'm sure we'll still be finishing jobs when we are about to move. Urgh.

There hasn't been much to do while the bloke has been here fixing things. I couldn't come online or sew, and I watched TV sometimes but he needed the electricity off a lot. So I have rediscovered knitting - I haven't knit anything for yeeears. I think. Ages anyway. I used to knit all the time, it was my favourite hobby and I would knit several times a day!!! But that was ages ago. Yesterday I found some really gorgeous wool and started knitting a baby blanket. I don't know why. Maybe it won't be one in the end and I'll send it to my parents for my baby cats to use in their little beds instead. I love my cats, even though I don't see them anymore now they are in France. Anyway I am knitting. I am doing a big chunky moss-stitch because otherwise I get bored of the same old stitch row after row after row. I get bored easily.

Anyway today I was bored of knitting (see?) and I read The Railway Children from cover to cover, which was lovely. Haven't read that in a long time.

Yesterday I made a few phone calls and managed to cancel those commitments I mentioned last entry. I couldn't get through to Anna in the day, but Richard (he oversees the youth group at the moment) phoned in the evening quite by chance, to speak to Neil about the possibility of him being regularly involved helping with the youth group. So I mentioned (with some difficulty) to him about Cameron and about wanting to take a break from the youth group for a little while. He was really nice about it, and said I should still try to let Anna know. I phoned her in the evening and told her, which was also difficult, but she was fine about it and said to let her know when I felt ready to come back. She said they would get someone else to replace me in the rota. That felt kind of weird, I don't know why.

And in the day I phoned Gordon and asked if it was okay for me to step back from helping with the Alpha Course. Gordon was so so so lovely to me about it all, he said such wise things and was generally so sensitive and such a great friend, that I felt quite moved and weepy after the phone call. It's funny and I can't understand why, but when people reach out to me over Cameron, particularly in small ways that I didn't expect, I find it terribly.... upsetting? I don't think upsetting is the right word, but anyway it makes my heart feel freshly achy and it makes me cry straight away. It happened at the cemetery when that lady apologised for disturbing my peace at Cam's graveside, and when people I talk to say how sorry they are. Now I come to think of it, I noticed that with Cameron's mum too. When she called me to tell me he had died, she sounded shaky but composed the whole time, and it was only when I said with great feeling, "Oh I'm so sorry" that she started to cry. Why is that? Why should heartfelt responses cause pain and tears? Surely the opposite should happen? Or is it that it makes it more real? I wondered that at the cemetery with that lady's comment. It felt like her sympathy of what I was dealing with made it all the more real, like somebody else had noticed and that reminded me that it wasn't just in my head like it sometimes seems.

Anyway Gordon was so lovely to me and so genuinely sorry that Cameron died, that I was quite choked about it. I was so grateful to him that he was though, it was a relief. I always get worried that people won't see my needs and then it would feel worse if they didn't. He said I should not worry about quitting Alpha, although he knew the group would not be as good without me since I had special qualities. How lovely! And that if I wanted to come back at any point I would be welcome, especially if I wanted to go on the weekend away (November 1st and 2nd) since Neil is going to that too. He said the same as Judith had said, that I should beware of hiding away too much from people, that Satan would be looking for any opportunity to bring me down and pull me away from God in any way he could, so I should not become too detached from other Christians who would love to help me and pray for me. He's right of course. But I explained how hard I'm finding it to socialise. It's always so easy to talk to Gordon, he's like that. He said he would recommend me finding a lady at church who would be willing to talk with me and pray with me about how I'm dealing with Cameron's death, someone who was wise and sensitive to God's Spirit. He suggested Sue. Which is reassuring since I wanted to ask Sue to come and pray with me anyway, and Gordon didn't know this but we've had that kind of accountable relationship for years anyway. So that confirmed it for me, and I plan to ring Sue soon - tomorrow probably - and arrange to meet up with her to pray. I told Gordon I would definitely talk and pray with someone, and he said he would not ask me if I had since he didn't want to hold me accountable, he just wanted to express his concern by suggesting it. I have such a lovely church family. Thank you God.

So now I have no church responsibilities. Neil went out to Alpha about 30 minutes ago, and it feels weird that I am not going too. I kind of feel at a loose end now that I am officially let off these activities, which is so silly, since that's what I've been wanting! But now I feel like I have been silly, and what if it's all been self-pity or attention-seeking? I hate those things, so I would hate it if that's what I've been doing. I don't think so though. I just need a bit of time. I guess the thing that made me wonder is that I DO want people to know how much Cameron meant to me, and acknowledge that this is hard for me to deal with. Is that bad? I feel kind of bad to admit that. Like it's based on some form of selfishness. Which it probably is, but I hope it's just grief and that I'm not using Cam's death for selfish purposes. I would never do that. I would be so angry at myself if I have been doing that. But I don't think I have.

I haven't thought about Cam so much these last couple of days. The electrician has been here and making a TON of noise all the time, and I've been reading a lot, which is all distracting. But knitting isn't distracting enough, and I usually think when I knit, so I thought about him a lot then. Mostly memories, but happy ones. I do feel terribly hollow when I think of even the happy times, and it aches without much other feeling. I want to go to the cemetery again - I've been wanting to since Friday or Saturday, but I wanted to stay away at the weekend incase his family were there, and since the weekend I haven't had the car or the chance to go. It makes me very agitated to feel that I CAN'T go if I want to go. So tomorrow I have the car and I have the opportunity to go. The thing is, should I? I was so much worse in myself after the last visit, and now I'm sort of numbing up again. I don't know if it's a bad idea that I go again to open it all up and make it raw again. Or even if that's what will happen. I don't know. Sometimes I think Cam will wonder why I'm not there when I said I'd be back soon, but I KNOW that's silly so I don't think it for long, because he doesn't know anything about this world anymore, not when I go to the cemetery or anything. So that shouldn't be a concern. But sometimes it's a little voice in my mind.

On the other hand, tomorrow is Wednesday and we are having my parents over for dinner in the evening. I don't want to be really bad company from feeling empty and unhappy after a visit to Cameron's grave. And I also have to go to the butcher's and buy something for dinner, and it's half-day closing tomorrow so I have to do that in the morning. And get a few things from the supermarket. And also our therapist is back from her holiday (can't believe it's been three weeks since we've seen her!) and we have an appointment tomorrow, so I have to pick Neil up from work and then go to the appointment. We have very little to report though, so I don't look forward to it much. Cameron's death has made everything else grind to a halt in my life it seems, and I hadn't really noticed the time passing with these things not happening. Nor do I have any desire to start them up again, except that we still want to have a baby of our own, so I guess we need to at some point soonish.

After therapy we have just enough time to come home and for Neil to change out of his work clothes, and to start the meal cooking before my parents get here. So maybe tomorrow isn't a good day for visiting Cameron. I am scared to get into a bad way with how empty and unhappy I feel when I visit. I get scared that I will feel like that more and more often, especially if I visit him often, and then I won't have much time feeling happy or normal, and then maybe I will stay feeling empty, even when I'm not visiting the cemetery, even when I haven't for a while. I don't know about any of this. It's just a worry in my mind. And I really don't want things to get like that. Actually I think I would be okay if I was praying with Sue regularly and keeping up regular contact with Judith, and doing this Pilates class sounds a good thing for me right now. So maybe I will be okay actually. I feel a bit lost so I ask myself all these unanswerable questions a lot at the moment.

Maybe I will go to see him on Thursday? I feel sure something is happening on Thursday but I can't remember what. Maybe I'm just thinking of the fact that Neil has lectures on Thursdays now. Hmmm. Anyway I will have the car so maybe. Friday I have Pilates with Judith so probably not that day. I don't know. My parents go home to France on Friday. Oh that reminds me, I was going to go shopping with Mummy before they go home, so that might end up being Thursday! Hmmm, I don't know. I'll have to see what happens.

Tomorrow is October 15th, which means at 7.30(ish) pm, I will have been a Christian for eight years. I don't know if I'll get to write an entry tomorrow or not, but anyway I will be able to think about the significance of that with some joy in my heart because no matter what the circumstance, there is nothing in my life with more purpose and promise and hope and power and gladness and joy and love and comfort than knowing God and having such a close and intimate relationship with him. I had nooooooooo idea before I became a Christian, none whatsoever, and now I am so glad and so grateful that I turned to him, because he has changed my life beyond anything I could have imagined. And he has always been faithful and given me everything I need, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, materially, in every way. He healed me from M.E. He healed me from a long and difficult depression. He showed me that I am special and worthy of love, and he made me understand and experience love that I had no concept ever existed. He stopped me being afraid of men and he brought me together with Neil, and he gave me the most wonderful husband there could ever be for me. He gave me Cameron. He filled my life with purpose and my mind with peace and my heart with joy. That doesn't change because bad things happen anymore, even though I struggle with them, it doesn't change just because I feel awful and can't leave my house for two years, or because I get a problem in my marriage, or because I lose a child that I loved more than I used to know how to, or because my parents left the country when I thought I could never be without them, or because I can't get pregnant when I want to. Lots of these things are ongoing, but God is so faithful. He always provides, and somehow I have to trust that he knows best and everything is right, no matter how it feels to me at the time. And I do. I trust him completely. I am so glad of tomorrow because it reminds me that as of that day 8 years ago, I no longer belong to myself or to this world, but I belong to Jesus, and him to me. There's nothing greater, and that's how I want to finish my entry tonight. Well, actually a song just popped in my head that I haven't sung for a long time, but the last verse sums it up really, so here it is:

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from his hand
Till he returns, or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand!

Wow, how I needed to read / think / sing those words tonight, and I had no idea till I just typed them and read them back. They comfort me so much about Cameron's death somehow. Thanks Lord. You are so good to me and I love you.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19