I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-09-25 - 5.20pm previous entry next entry Thank you to the girls who signed my guestbook, and also to Nicola for the beautiful email. As always, people's support means the world to me when something is unbearable, and I am so so grateful to you for your messages. xxxx I am kind of surprised but I don't actually have anything to write. I don't have any thoughts or any feelings at all. I am far far more detached from everything today, and it almost feels easy, dare I say it, to deal with. It's very matter-of-fact in my head, but not that real to me yet that Cameron has died. I think of him all the time. There's a permanent visual image of him in my head. The electrician came round today to give us a quote for re-wiring the fuse box to the shower unit, and I showed him up into the loft where he waded through all the boxes and papers and all the junk up there. The first thing that caught my eye when I went up there was a box next to my foot with a ton of papers in it. On top was a framed photo of Cameron, around his 3rd birthday, wearing just a nappy and a T-shirt that I bought him with a picture of a monkey on the front and the word, "Monkey!" across it. I got it because he was such a monkey, it made me think of him. There are a million scenes playing in my head of everything we've done together. Millions. I feel tired and my face aches like the flesh on it is too heavy. I slept badly last night because the memory reels were keeping me awake then too. But it's not awful or anything. The memories make me smile and feel full of love towards him, and none of it makes me feel despairing or like I want to cry. Everything feels so neat and easy, but I know it's not going to last because of how I have this numbness all around my chest that aches but not enough for me to really be bothered by it till the numbness wears off. Today feels emptier than yesterday because yesterday was Cameron's last day, and today was never part of his life. I have been gathering up all the photos and looking through them today. I've been reading and re-reading all his letters to me. I have been frustrated that I can't find them all right now. I have also spent hours reading old paper diaries that I've kept on and off over the years, and seeing what I wrote about Cameron and remembering it all again. I don't know what I should be doing, so I'm just going with whatever I feel like. Yesterday I just talked and talked about Cameron to Neil, and I wanted to go over every little detail of his mum's phone call with him, to tell him exactly what she said and what I said in response, etc. I remembered that in her phone message, his mum had said, "It's Cameron's mum" when she always always just says her name normally when we speak on the phone. That was part of what made me nervous that something was wrong. There was something else that she said in her phone call which I remembered last night after I wrote my last entry, and I wanted to write it here, but I can't remember it now. Ohhh what was it? I get frustrated over not being able to gather all the little shreds of memories or details or reminders of Cameron that I can. I know there are more in my head and I want them NOW but I'm frustrated that they're not all coming to me when I want them. Oh! That was it!! Cameron had a heart attack before he died, and they managed to resuscitate him. I think that was the day before he died. Just a detail but I wanted to remember it. I wish I had been there with him, though I know I had no place to be, and it would never have been right. I'm just wishing in my head for the impossible, that's all. Today I wish I could know every tiny detail of his whole time in hospital, all the timings and everything. I don't know what time he died. I hate to have gaps in my understanding of his experience. I want to know everything so that I can be right there with him in my mind, and empathise with what he went through better. Not that there's any point now, but I just wish, that's all. I wish I had been there to say goodbye and to tell him I love him one last time. I am really comforted by the knowledge that he surely knew how much I loved him, and I know he loved me too. But if I could just have told him, so he was reminded just as he went.... But his mum was there to say all of that. And she did. And it was her place, it was perfectly as it should have been. I realised another thing lying awake last night, and that is how insensitive I am being of his mum's feelings. I know I have suffered a loss here, but she is his mother. I should be there for her, not wail about my own feelings so much. After the funeral and perhaps after she's had the baby, if she is okay with it, I am thinking I might offer to help out or visit when she feels up to it. It seems wrong for us to lose touch or for me to stop supporting her or her family, just because the little boy we had in common has died. And anyway, we will always have him in common. His death doesn't change that. I am eating today, and doing laundry, and feeling pretty normal really. My stomach gets the shakes and makes my ribs quiver from time to time, and I feel drained in general, but otherwise much better than yesterday. I have compiled everything I've found in my hand-written journals about Cameron over the years, into one account, and I've called it The Cameron Diaries. I journalled irregularly, missing many months at a time, so some of it is sporadic, but at other times I was quite regular. I'll add to it as I find more stuff that I wrote or kept to remind me of him over the years. But I wanted to post what I've got so far in this diary. There are entries, some of them just one line long, from the day I met him through to a couple of years later, still before his transplant. I'm so so so glad I wrote a diary, and that I have these things to look back on, because I'd forgotton a lot of them when I thought I never would. And it's so good to be able to read and remember. I think I will be so glad of it in months and years to come. Most of them formed part of a much bigger diary entry about all sorts of stuff, but I just pulled out the stuff relating to Cam and typed it up. So I'll post it all as one entry here, but be warned that it's gonna be a very long one. It just sums up how I felt about him in those years better than I could sum it up in a paragraph or sentence here. I've posted that right before this entry, so if you want to see it you can check the previous entry. That's all I think. It's another incredibly beautiful day, although it was cold and overcast this morning. I can't believe he's not here - anywhere. But I believe he's with Jesus, and there's no greater place to be, so this beautiful day must be but a pale reflection of Cameron's "day" today, where he is. I can't bear that he's not here. But never mind. I will think about that another time. For now I'm going to post these two entries, and then I don't know. Maybe have a drink because I'm thirsty now. Today feels so weird, so surreal. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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