I'm feeling ....
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2003-11-03 - 11.09pm previous entry next entry Quick quick, this has got to be quick! No time to write an entry as I MUST go to bed, but I can tell I'm just not gonna write this week otherwise and a ton of stuff will happen and I'll nevvver catch up. So here I am. But I've got to go to bed in a mo. Thanks guestiebookie people :) I loved your messages! I worked 9 - 5.30 today!!!! I am working for a property management company, typing letters and stuff. Oh the thrill. But I tell you, I realised this morning after Neil dropped me off early and I walked around the streets for a while, that I have been wrong in moaning about working. I had to say sorry to God and ask him to forgive me when I realised. I had the most poxy night's sleep, and got up hours earlier than normal, and turned up to do a boring job for a full working day, and when I was too early I walked for ages round the streets. It was only as I was walking that I realised how healthy I felt. And I felt so bad for complaining that I have to go to work and I don't want to, etc, etc. By the time I finished walking I was praising God that I was going to work, because I am healthy!! I am well!!! I can pace the streets to my heart's content and still do a day's work and never mind if I got enough sleep. God is so GOOD!!!! So I went to work. Everyone was way older than me and dressed more smartly. The lady in charge of my office sat me down at a computer and handed me two pieces of paper stapled together. One had a letter from a client on it, and the other was a short instruction saying, "Please contact company expressing our concerns about X and chasing their report on Y." Then she left me to it!! I didn't even know how to switch the computer on, I felt so dim. But I did it, somehow, the letter I mean. I didn't know the company's address or what the issues were, and I had NO idea how to word things or express concerns for things I had no clue about! But every time the lady went out of the room I rifled frantically through trays of papers looking for clues as to how they word letters to clients and the format, etc. And somehow I did it, and when I gave it to the lady to read and sign, she said it was excellent! My day has been good, because apparantly the sun shines out of my backside! :) I had to do more letters like this one, and some of them were soooo hard. I had to contact the police about stuff, and give tenants notice on legal action and weird stuff. Nobody gave me any help wording letters, it was so odd. They just said, "Oh can you write a letter to X telling them to do Y please" and I did!! I was dead impressed with myself! :) Heh. Anyway by 10.30, lady-in-charge was praising me and telling other staff how quickly I was doing the work, and also how much better I am than my predecessor - by which, I only realised a few hours later, she meant the permanent staff member!!!!! I thought she meant a previous temp at the time, but no! I was so flattered! :) At 11.30 she offered me a permanent job and confided in me that they did not intend to take the permanent person back after her leave. I actually hummed and hawed!! I can't believe I did that, it can't have looked polite, but I really didn't feel enthusiastic about going to that office and typing boring stuff on a permanent basis, and I didn't want to lie by seeming interested. So she asked if I was looking more for part-time work instead. I said yes, thinking "Phew! That's got me out of that then!" She then said she was sure they could find me part time work!!!!! She said maybe 2 days a week? I cannot believe my day today. I got flattered all day, and felt so pleased with how fast I was working and how all my letters went down well with lady-in-charge. She said at the end of the day that I had picked up more in a day than permanent-lady had in six months. I have had a nice day! :) And there was strangely something slightly fun about writing very grown-up letters that were all my own without dictation or anything, with words like "aforementioned", "forthwith", and "sincerely" in them! I felt like a little girl playing grown-ups. But I know the novelty will wear off pretty quick, and I would not enjoy feeling stuck in an office job in the long term (or short term really) so I think I will have to say no to the job offer. I have thought about this a lot though, and chatted with Neil about it tonight. I feel like I am being crazy turning it down when they are practically begging me to work for them, and even being flexible about it. I feel bad because it's like maybe I should be contributing more to our joint income. I feel in some small way like Neil would prefer it if I worked, at least for now while we don't have children, and that maybe he even resents it that I stay home with complete freedom while he works a job he hates. It doesn't seem fair and I feel guilty therefore. But anyway that is a lonnnnng subject to be writing about and I have to go to bed so I will leave that for now. I walked soooo much today! I walked before work, and then at lunch time I walked into town to eat at the shopping centre. That was 10 minutes of a very brisk walk. I walked fast because I was soooooo hungry!! I ate four meals today, I am always so hungry and have such a good appetite when I actually get off my bottom and do things that burn up my energy. I ate lunch, and worried about the sausage I ate (sigh) and then I went into Waterstones and read books on photography. Ohhhh dear that's another subject that's far too big to talk about tonight. Maybe I'll say in a sec, let me just finish this bit first. Then after Waterstones I went to Boots and got nice bubble bath and a big bottle of water (yet ANOTHER office where they have no drinking water in the building!!!!!), and then I race-walked back to work. My hips ache from walking that fast, but I did pretty well! :) Then after work I walked into town to catch a bus, but I just missed one so I carried on walking further along the bus route to another bus stop, just because I felt like it. Then another bus came and I had to run a fair way to catch it. When I stopped to find my money, I realised I was hardly out of breath at all. I felt so wonderfully full of praise to God because without him I think I would still be sick with M.E. right now. Or else treading verrrry carefully with things like running for buses. But yay I ran and my body went, "Okay then!" I love it when that happens. It's nearly 2 years since I got healed (on the 10th) but it's still just as wonderful to be well. Anyway then I walked from the bus stop back to the house. I am tired this evening and I reeeeally should be in bed by now, but I had to write some of this stuff, otherwise more stuff would have happened the next day and I would have had too much to say in one go. Hmmm there was something else.... what was it?? Oh yes, the photography thing. I would like to learn how. It strikes me as a potential way to express myself creatively, which I seem to be craving lately, and I have always loved the idea of capturing life around me in photos that show emotion and texture, like the ones you see that are so real you could almost touch the people or objects in them. I would love to learn that skill. I might do a course. It would be a great thing to learn and it would get me active and "with people" and out of the house. It's part of my "get a life" plan, hehe! Neil and I talked about it a lot last night. He thinks I should go for it. But I'm just looking and thinking at the moment. More on that another time probably, but I wanted to mention it. I will probably sleep lots better tonight, since I am tired and actually did stuff today. Plus last night was restless. I couldn't sleep for hours and then when I did, I kept waking and it was only 10 minutes or so later. Grrr. Of course I finally fell into a lovely deep sleep at 6.10am, shortly before the alarm went off. I dreamt of Cameron. When I got up I scribbled key words down on paper so I wouldn't forget, but I haven't forgotten anyway. This is the first dream I've had where he has been younger, like when I used to spend much of my time with him. It was a bit weird. He was about three maybe, and he was playing in a cottage garden in the countryside (where I lived with my family in the dream). It was just absolute bliss, just being in that garden without a care in the world, and watching my little love play amongst the flowers and things. He came over to me with something he'd made out of plastic flowerpots and other bits and pieces, and gave it to me. It was a present. He made it specially for me. He said it was a "special make-believe bucket" for me. Then it was later in the day, but I was still sitting there and nothing had changed. I couldn't see Cam from where I was sitting, but everything felt so wonderful and carefree and safe that I didn't worry. But then I heard my mum talking to someone on the phone, and she was telling someone how Cameron died, just in normal conversation, and I couldn't make sense of anything in my mind anymore. It seemed impossible to comprehend. Weird. Then I woke up. I suppose it does reflect my waking thoughts a bit, because it seems I am back to feeling disbelief about Cameron's death. I can't understand it - I think about it, and I can't make my brain push through the thick syrup of it all, it won't go in. I can't take the idea in so it can't possibly be true. I think of him in the ground at the cemetery and still genuinely think he's also at home running around sometimes. I think maybe I'm losing it sometimes when I feel things like that. Today was the first time I used my bag since the funeral or when I take it with me when I visit the cemetery. I haven't used it for anything else since those things. Today when I packed it full of stuff I might need at work, I realised I had a difficulty with something, which I felt very silly about earlier, but now I'm not sure it's that silly. It's gross though. I won't take the hankies out of my bag. At the funeral I packed a full box of tissues in my bag, and I used tons and threw the used ones back in the bag. The box and the tissues were still there every time I went to the cemetery and cried over losing Cameron, and I added more teary tisses to the pile in the bag. There is about half a family sized box of used tissues from crying in my bag. That's a lot of balled-up tissues. And now I can't bring myself to take the box out of my bag until it's used up, and what's more gross is that I won't take the used tissues out either. I had to put all my work things in on top of the old tissues because I just couldn't take them out. I feel sort of ashamed to admit this because it's so crazy, but sometimes over the recent weeks, I have peeked in my bag to look at all those used tissues. I don't know why, but it's comforting just to see them there, and I do not want to chuck them away or remove them from my bag. They are another link, as crazy as that sounds, and I don't want to let Cameron go, even in links that are pure fantasy. I'll get there in the end, I'm sure. But I don't want to let go of these things that have somehow got inside me and made a link to when he died, and therefore the moment that he was last alive. On the way to the bus stop I was thinking there was no way I was telling my diary all that! But I guess I changed my mind now that I wrote about my dream. Well anyway, a sad note to finish on, but I am okay. And I have to go back to work tomorrow so I must must must go to bed NOW!!! I took a bath before writing my diary so hopefully that will help me sleep too. Night night! |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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