Great Christian Diaries

2003-09-28 - 12.30am (29th)  previous entry  next entry

Today has been another weird day but completely different to yesterday. I'm aware that my diary entries are very samey and self-focused right now, but this is all so new and if it wasn't so painful I would actually be quite interested in how it feels to experience such a unique situation, one which I've never experienced before. So I guess there's the analyst in me being intrigued by all these new emotions and things. Is that morbid or weird of me? I still can't bear that I'm in this situation, but the fact is that I am and it's weird. Weird things intrigue me. It's so new. I want to write about it as I experience it. So hopefully nobody minds that I am always talking about Cameron and how I feel at the moment. I just feel like I want to, or need to, or something like that.

This morning I led the youth group. Everything went completely pants with the preparation, because nobody contacted me like I needed them to. Anna phoned me this morning saying she hadn't had her mobile with her (her only phone line) all day so that's why she hadn't called me back. She wasn't too helpful, well at least not in the way I'd hoped for. She just suggested I followed the book (which I was having some problems with anyway) and that I could talk about Cameron with the kids if I wanted to. So I decided to prepare both. We got to church early - Neil was helping on the stewarding team as they were short of helpers this week. I shut myself away in the youth meeting room and tried to prepare. I have been so stupid with eating lately. I ate a meal yesterday, but nothing in the evening, and then I couldn't face breakfast so I took sandwiches with me to church incase I could eat a bit later. I need to eat before church because otherwise I get all lightheaded standing up and singing (!) and I definitely would have felt iffy without breakfast when I was leading the youth group. So I tried to eat my sandwiches but got a huuuge gag reflex which scared the diddly out of me because of how I get scared of being sick. Urgh. So no breakfast. I couldn't eat lunch because of the same problem, but I have been okay snacking on chocolate raisins and prawn cocktail crisps. Which, as you can imagine, my stomach is just thrilled about!! But we're gonna have pasta and sauce and veg for dinner, no meat and no cheese and no bulky carbohydrates, and hopefully I can eat that fine. Neil says he thinks it was just nerves, because I was nervous about talking to the kids about Cam and nervous about my emotions in front of other people, even just being at church in the service. I don't feel like I can trust my emotions at the moment - they keep doing things I don't expect (or tell) them to do, and since I am kind of scared of emotion in myself, I am finding that a bit difficult.

I think I shoved my feelings down this morning because of that fear, so maybe that's why my system was otherwise occupied and not happy about swallowing and stuff? Probably. Paul came into the room where I was trying to prepare and chatted with me for a while and prayed with me, which was nice. My helper didn't turn up so Neil offered to help me do the youth group today, which was wonderful actually, but I'll talk about that in a sec. I paced the building for five minutes praying in tongues as the service started until I felt calmer. Nobody was around where I went. I don't know why but I felt all trapped in the building and my body felt like it was going to empty in all directions (sorry!) so I felt scared and flappy. Focusing in on God and talking to him deep from my heart like that really helped to make me feel calm.

The service was weird but nice, just weird for me. We sang lovely songs - Great Big God with the actions which I LOVE, but it made me choke up because of all the kids with their laughter and smiles as they did the actions and thinking of Cameron not being here and not being a child amongst other kids like that anymore. I love Great Big God and I did the actions and sang and meant the words and enjoyed it, but I was glad to finish the song all the same. But the song after that was Jesus Shall Take The Highest Honour, and why that should bring on the tears I do NOT know, but it did. Except my tears and public settings are not a great combination for me so I swallowed and clenched my fists onto my fleecey top which is a great fabric to squeeze, and just tried to breathe and allow myself to be distracted by babies making noise and people moving around and 4-year-olds asking their parents for a drink and so on, all the things I close my eyes and filter out when I normally praise God. I wanted to praise him, but it made my heart want to break and I didn't want to give into that when I was about to have to snap out of it and lead the youth group in ten minutes. I know I should have but urgh, it was too hard.

I don't totally understand that because the words of the song are so true and so strong. All about Jesus, who I love beyond description and WANT to sing about it no matter how else I feel. And then we sang another song just like it, that one with the words: "Your name is like honey on my lips, your spirit like water to my soul, your word is a lamp unto my feet, Jesus I love you, I love you." Oh how I meant those words as I sang them, but somehow surrendering to God in that way and releasing my love and trust to him just seemed to make all the things that hurt, hurt all the more. Why is that? I don't know the answer. It made the songs hard to sing even though I wanted to with all my heart.

Oops slight gap - I stopped to have dinner and then the whole evening disappeared and now I've just come up to go to bed and noticed the computer still on and this entry on the screen unfinished! So I will try to finish it. I feel in a whole completely different mood now. Better.

Anyway where was I? Oh yes, I guess I just found the service hard this morning. Neil and I went out near the end of the worship time and led youth group, which actually went well in the end. I didn't talk about Cameron. I was keeping it in mind right up to the last 15 minutes but it just didn't feel like the right moment and the kids were kind of rowdy today. So I felt almost relieved actually, and relaxed a lot more after that. Pfthth. I am so changeable! We talked about Jesus and why he died on the cross. I love Jesus. He's the most amazing friend and I love him. We watched a clip from The Matrix (it was in the book) and that provoked a really great discussion with the kids, it was so good! We played a couple of reeeally silly games that they loved, and I'm so pleased because that's the one thing I planned myself for a time-filler if the main service ran over time :) One of them involved toilet roll. Lots. It was so funny :) Last night when Neil went out to get the video he bought me this huuuge chocolate fudge cake - you know the type that are sold in slices in clear plastic boxes which look completely irresistable? Well I love those, and Neil wanted to buy me a slice (the sweetie), but there weren't any on the shelf so he bought me a WHOLE cake!!!! It is so huge. He is so lovely. We ate some but realised we are nevvvver gonna get through it by ourselves (!!) so we took it to church and gave all the kids a slice. Boy did they love us!! :) They were all like, "When are you leading again?!!" Hehe!

It was so nice to have Neil working with me, I was quite surprised how much I liked it. We work really well as a team and when we got home we were talking about that, about why we seemed to just click as a team. We think it's because we have exceptionally good communication with each other in general. It's amazing because we never used to. Infact it was so bad we were having marriage problems. Therapy has done such wonders for us! Now I would say we probably communicate a fair way better than most couples. I think. Neil said he tried to keep eye contact with me a lot, and based on that alone he was able to pre-empt me in what I was wanting to do or what I wanted to do next, so he really helped it all flow smoothly. Wow. I am so impressed with us!! :)

After church I felt low and yucky so we headed home pretty quickly. But since I wrote the first part of this entry things have felt very different. I phoned my mum this evening and chatted to her about Cameron and stuff. And then after I got off the phone, Neil let me chat to him for like an hour about Cam. I told him all my favourite memories of Cameron (there were lots!) and laughed as I remembered them. I felt sad that there would be no more memories, but it was a relief to remember and laugh and smile a bit. I don't know where that's going because tomorrow I might be crying about those same memories. I think maybe I just need to relax and go with it or something. I feel more confident in God tonight. I didn't notice I had been less confident before, but now I just feel more.... safe in his arms I guess. Like I feel at peace about the funeral more. I feel sure he'll not let me fall apart or feel alone or die from the pain or anything.

We had our pasta and sauce dinner and after a little while my stomach relaxed and I ate a proper meal, which has made me feel so much better physically. We had red wine too, and I had a glass, and we watched TV and had the lamps on so it was all cosy. Then Neil went to bed and I watched "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" for the millionth time, just because it was on TV late and I felt like staying up. When it finished I got up to turn the lights out and get a glass of water and go to bed, and I realised I felt light and happy and full of love for God and like myself again. I thought, "Oh that's because you forgot about Cam for a while" but when I made myself remember, the happy feeling stayed. Sad underneath but still me and still able to be happy. I am so relieved and thankful. I am guessing this isn't it, that I will still have plenty more bad days or hours, but I am so encouraged to feel happy in myself and with God and with life, whilst still feeling sad inside that Cameron died.

It also made me realise how thankful I am to be able to find relief from the pain of losing Cam. And how no matter how much I loved and cherished and adored this little boy, I really do have NO idea what his mum is going through. Cameron died four days ago. I have had an evening where I can laugh at the memory of this precious child being a monkey over something or other, and where I can have a glass of wine, a good meal, a hug from my lovely husband, watch a nice movie and feel happy at the end of it, still knowing Cameron is gone. I doubt that his mother has found that kind of relief yet. It really brought it home how self-centred I was being before. I think grief can be self-focused, because when it hurts that much then how can it be anything else? The pain is too great to see past so you can't be anything but self-focused until it eases a little. When it does hurt me like that to think of Cameron, I can't get the perspective to think of how much worse it must be for some others out there. I mean, I am aware that this is the case, but I can't see past it enough to stop focusing on what I am feeling. Am I making sense or just rambling?!

My mum said something wise that made me think tonight - she said a LOT of stuff like this actually, but this one stuck with me this evening - she said all she could think of was that it was an absolute privilege and an honour to have known Cameron. That everyone who met him was changed by the experience in some way, and that he was just so special. And that's it, that's just how it was.

This is how it is: A child was sent into my life, a child who was predestined to live for 11 years, two months and twenty-three days. I have been blessed with the most indescribable joy and wonder of being a part of his life, and have been given the gift of a child as special and unique as Cameron inviting me into his life and being so loving and including me in his heart. Through Cameron I have been given the gift of laughter and joy like I never understood it before, and love like I had no concept of. I never knew what it was to love another human being so much until I loved Cameron. Nobody can erase or fade any of that, nothing can. And he lived his 11 years, two months and twenty-three days, and when the last day was done he died, not a day too late and not a day too soon. It sure  feels like it was too soon, but I trust in God. I know that God is sovereign and worthy of praise, and that he is Lord of all, and I know that he loves me, loves all of us, with great tenderness and warmth. I know he weeps with me every time I cry for Cameron, and with everyone else weeping for him too. But I know he does not make mistakes, and I remembered something Job said in the Bible. When Job's children died, he said, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21), and in my mind it's as simple as that. How can I even think of cursing my God for taking Cameron away, when he was a gift greater than any possession on earth in the first place? God's not cruel, he is loving and kind. He doesn't give something only to cruelly snatch it away. He says, "Hey I have this gift for you. I want to bless you like nothing else. Just for a while mind - his place is with me after 11 years, two months and twenty-three days. But I love you so much that I want to change your life through a special child. Please accept this gift and know that I love you." Who am I to argue with that? All I can think about is how thankful I am for such a gift, for such a child as Cameron. I don't know what to SAY I am so thankful. How blessed am I, that I should have been chosen to receive this gift? Just the thought of that one sentence gets me right back into praise and worship and love for my God, because it applies to EVERYTHING God has ever given me. Like his own son, Jesus. How blessed am I, that I should be chosen.

God says of me, of all who he draws to himself: "I took you from the ends of the earth, from it's farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:9-10)

"I have chosen you." One of my favourite lines in the whole Bible. Chosen by God to be his friend, and chosen to be blessed with Cameron, among a zillion other things. No, I don't feel bitter. Just sad, but at least I feel sure that I'll see Cam again, and I absolutely can't wait. And I know that in the meantime, God is going to give me the strength and comfort I need. He is NOT going to let me die with how much it hurts sometimes. I may need to read this entry back soon. Like probably tomorrow. But I'm glad today. Glad of God and of having known Cameron. Even though it hurts.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19